Invasion of the Emo Azu

Today was not going to be a good day.

A day not was today good to going go.

*

Ms. Yukari slammed a Fatal-Dose-Sized(tm) bottle of MD 20/20 on her desk.  She drew a long needle--a bone-scrapin' needle, as said in the parlance of the day--and, expertly, jammed it into the screwcap.  She filled the needle to what was essentially its brim, clamped her lips around the pointy part, and lit the plunger aflame.  She tasted deep of the acrid liquor-smoke.

"I have a drug problem," she sagely noted.

The class, wracked as it was, agreed.

*

Tomo teetered like a seesaw wondering weather it should crush a butterfly fresh from the cuccoon or a kitten that thought it could.  "Aw man.  The walls are closing in!  There's bugs all across my skin!  It seems I'm prone to rhyme!  This couldn't happen at a worse temporal location unit!"

No! Yomi thought, She's entering the last stages of kitten-huff withdrawal!  If she keeps huffing kittens, it will destroy her.  If she doesn't keep huffing kittens, it will also destroy her!  It's not good at all, this.

Tomo was fetchingly pale and rosy-cheeked from the bout of consumption she caught from a dirty kitten.

She's pretty damn hot, Yomi thought.  I mean, seriously hot.  She's all gentled up and not sporting any particularly strong or assertive personality.  She's like a moe-moe dream girl!  And yet...

She felt a bout of the vapours pour over her.

And yet--I'm straight!  Oh, the tragedy!

Indeed.

*

"I don't believe in lesbians," Kagura said.  "I don't believe in independent movies.  In fact... I don't believe in anything."  Discovering nihilism was, in the scope of things, exactly as horrible as everything else that ever had happened or ever will happened.  Lacking anything else to do, she cut herself yet again.  Her uniform was now stained solid black from her regular perusal of The Knife What Cuts Me.  It was a color exactly as horrible as every other color.

Being a nihilist, like everything else she could be, sucked.  But at least she was honest about acknowledging its suckiness.  Or rather she would have were she not alone in the backmost corner of the classroom, next to a Nonperson and The Box Where The Children Shall Die, and incapable of expounding upon how honest she was about how awful everything was.

It'd be awesome if she could, though.

*

Chiyo was in The Box Where The Children Shall Die, and thus is not participating in this story in any appreciable fashion.

*

Sakaki sat in mourning for Kaorin, who, in the recent past, was transferred into Kimura's classroom.  And all knew of the horrible tragedy that ensued when Mr. Kimura finally hatched, revealing the horrendous, vaguely-defined creature within.  Sakaki pondered, as she did most of the time nowadays, the school yearbook photo of Kaorin.

Oh, Kaorin, Sakaki thought, you were too good for this world.  Also, you weren't immune to acid or teeth, and that didn't help any.  With colossal effort she placed the photo into her desk and withdrew Maya, who she had taken with her to school, along with her favorite axe--one Kaorin gave her on her birthday.

"Oh, Maya," Sakaki said, rubbing her face against Maya's warm keetom belly, "you're the only one who understands me."

*

Presently did much shit go down.

*

It was a second before Sakaki noticed that her face was now nuzzling Maya's warm keetom ribcage, then that Maya was holding on for dear life.  She pulled back and saw Maya disappearing down a straw and into Tomo's nose.  She held on with all her well-advertised might, but Maya went down the straw, into Tomo's lungs, and also oblivion.

Tomo shuddered in jolts of cat-high.  "Damn, that's some good exotic cat."

Sakaki, slack-jawed, glared at Tomo, then at Yomi.

"It keeps the shakes away," Yomi said, "and, upon thinking about it, I'd rather see Tomo high on cat than not high on cat."

Sakaki drew her axe.

"Oh, hell," Tomo said.

With a mighty thrust, Sakaki stabbed the axe through Tomo's midsection.

"Oh, double hell!" Tomo squeeked, and collapsed.

"Unsurprised," Kagura said, dotting the i's on the upside-down Missisippi she writ upon her stomach.  With a knife, as she didn't have a marker.

"Yomi, I mean Tomo, no!" Yomi (not Tomo) screamed, crouching next to Tomo (who was not bespectacled).  "You can't die now!  I just gave you the okay to die later!"

"Just run with it," Tomo said, "I guess it's my time to die.  Actually, now that I htink about it, I really don't want to die, and, um.  Is getting stabbed with an axe fatal?"

"For the sake of arguement let's say 'yes.'"

"Yeah, I'm totally gonna die.  Hold me."

The two clutched, bosom to bosom.

"That's hot," Yukari said, in between snorting lines of Everclear dribbled on her desk.

"You can't die now, Tomo!" Yomi whimpered.  "I was willing to go gay for you--hard gay!"

"You were?"

"I would, but you know, I'm straight, thus I'd have to make an effort."

"A tragic effort.  I bet your schoolwork woulda gone down."

"Yeah.  Then my parents, who inexplicably resemble stereotypical midwestern hyperChristian Americans, would disown me, so I'd have to move in with you, but your parents don't like lesbians either, right?"

"I bet they wouldn't if they hadn't died in that plane crash."

"Yeah, kind of weird how it crashed into a cloud."

"It was harder than normal.  Anyway, yeah, no va on my parents either.  What wouldja do then?"

"I suppose I'd cut myself first."

"Obviously," Kagura chimed in.

"Then," Yomi said, "I suppose we'd drive off a cliff or some such, or maybe overdose on..."

"LSD?" Tomo suggested.

"Yeah, that sounds fun. We'd overdose on LSD, then we'd come back as anguished ghost lovers.  Then I presume we'd be captured by the Ghostbusters, made up of our living friends who now hate us because we're ghost lesbians who practice Wicca, the oldest religion on earth according to that Teen Witches' Guide To Pissing Off Your Parents.  Somehow Rozen Maiden will figure into this."

"That sounds like a plan.  Might as well get a crossover in."

"Yeah.  Then I guess we'll languish in a containment unit until the season finale before being quietly forgotten except as an unusually hard question in a Japanese cartoon version of Trivial Persuit.  We'll cost a college kid the little peg-thing he needs to win the game, and that'll count for something, won't it?"

Tomo had bled to death in the meantime.

"Well, damn!  Somebody off me right quick."

Somebody brought a combination claw-footed-bathtub and toilet--a claw-footed toilet, if you will--down on Yomi's head, offing her in an aedequate fashion.

The somebody-toilet-swinging was Osaka.

"H--" she started to say, before exploding into a shower of white, spiral-rod-shaped insects, which then proceeded to infect the entire classroom, and, in an exponential fashion from there, the world, which then turned into darkness.

*

"The end!" Tomo said, finishing her story.

"That," Chiyo said, blinking back tears, "was the most moving story I've ever heard!"

Yomi stood up from the circle that had, of its own accord, built up around Tomo as she wove her tale of majesty and melancholy.  "You are as unto that one guy from mythology--you know the one.  Take me, now!"  Yomi ripped her shirt off.

"With pleasure!" Tomo said.

*

"The end!" Tomo said, finishing her story in a non-meta fashion.

"That sucked all kinds of balls," Yukari said.

"Why was I in the Box?" Chiyo asked, looking vaguely uncomfortable.

"Why the hell do we let you near blank paper?" Yomi ased.

"Oh, come on!  Like you could do better!"

"I know I could," Yukari said, leaping atop her desk and drawing a nine-milimeter pistol.  She smacked Tomo in the head with it.

"Hggrk!" Tomo said.

"Yeah, that's right, bitch!  Slur my name through a haze of agony!"  She ejected the magazine, hurled the empty gun at Tomo's head, and set about beating her up with individual bullets.

*

"Oh, shweety," Yukari slurred, "you tells the best shtories!"  She continued making out with the mirror.

"You know her?" a random bar patron asked Nyamo, who sat at the same booth.

"Every time I drink, I hope it will be enough to forget her," Nyamo said, and set about her latest attempt to achieve her dreams.

*

There was no further meta-layer to the story.

END